The Top 10 Clutz Countdown

So I mentioned that I can be more than just a little clumbsy. In fact, I can be down right dangerous in my accident prone moments. It wasn't hard to think back to my best/worst moments and detail them. There was more than 10 but I think the top ten clearly defines me at my clutziest best!


10 - The 'Ice Skating Elbow' accident

I was 13 years old, and it was the last day of the school holidays. So, first time ever on Ice Skates - I was so proud that after about an hour or so, I was standing up and moving all on my own. There was even some fluidity to my movements, and I was truly enjoying myself.

My friend said that it was time to start packing up, her mum would be collecting us shortly. We both agreed to have one last turn around the rink. Confidence built, I thought it was time to show the world how good I had become. I moved swiftly around the rink and felt the wind in my hair. Suddenly, another skater cut in front of me. Having learnt the stopping technique early on, I dug my front picks into the ice like a good student should. I dug a little too hard in the moment, and consequently, went flying.

I came to a sudden stop, thanks to my hands. I put them out, landing hard on them with my entire body following behind. I said ouch, then got up and made my way back to my shoes to get changed. Didn't think too much of it at the time. By the time we got into the car, my wrists were a little tender. By the time we got to Baskin & Robins for ice cream, I could not remove my arm from my seatbelt.

My friends mother drove me straight home to my dad. My wonderful father, unfortunately did not  understand the pain I was in, and insisted I just put ice on my arm. By the time I got it through to him I needed medical attention, it was too late to get an x-ray the doctors said. So, returning home, I slept with my arm in a sling. It was a painful and restless night.

The next day I returned to school for the term, struggled through the whole day with intense pain coursing through my right arm. Dad picked me up at 3, took me straight to the hospital for x-rays. Low and behold, a smashed elbow!

While this wasn't the first clutz moment of my life, it was certainly one of my biggest to date. And to this day, still remains my only break. I am quite lucky in that sense that most of my clutz moments are painful, sometimes embarrassing, but not severely damaging to my body!


9 - The 'Honey, It's Stuck' incident

In 2011, I was lucky enough to marry the man I love. We have been together almost 10 years and in that time, I fear he has been the victim of my clumbsiness almost as much as I am myself. In fact, there are a few of these top 10 that relate to him!

The day was beautiful, absolutely perfect and everything we had ever dreamed of. I walked towards my sweetheart and took my place under the arch of flowers infront of our guests. I made it all the way through the ceremony - until we got to the rings. Michael played his part perfectly, reciting his lines and slipping my beautiful ring on my finger without any hassles. This was when things went wrong.

I recited my lines, the ring hovering at the tip of Michael's finger. As I went to slide the ring on, it became stuck on his knuckle. To this day, we blame his nerves or the altitude (we got married in the mountains) but it wasn't just a simple 'stuck'. The ring took a good 2 minutes of forcing and rolling to get on, and in the process, I took a chunk of skin from his poor finger.

The photo series says it all!



8 - 'A European Breakfast Guest'

On holidays in 2009, we chose to do the iconic Australian Great Ocean Road tour. We flew to Adelaide and intended to hire a car and drive via the scenic road to Melbourne. After spending a night in Adelaide, we decided to enjoy a beautiful breakfast in the Adelaide sunshine before collecting our car.

As we sat enjoying our food, a buzzing guest decided to get a little too friendly. A european wasp was diving at us and getting way to close for comfort. Eventually, it went for Michael, who instinctively swatted him away. Unfortunately the swat was somewhat mis-aimed and the wasp was flung at my hand, his stinger immediately entering my hand.

The reaction was instant and I was in agony. The swelling appeared and I ran inside to the cafe begging for ice. Following antihistamines and ice, we got on the road for our trip, but my hand remained swollen, red and lumpy for almost the entire trip. Oh well, can't say we have boring holidays!


7 - The 'Clumbsy Skier'

On holiday in New Zealand, my first time on skis, of course there was bound to be some complications. Infact there is a total of 3 NZ bumbles on this list. This was possibly the least humiliating, least painful of the three.

After 3 days of practising on skis, I thought it was finally time to go a little higher. No longer would I stay on the kids slope, but venture up on the ski lift and take the smallest hill down. Despite stacking it as I got off the lift at the top, I was still determined to head down hill. I prepared myself and set off slowly. Of course it wasn't long until I started to pick up speed. All the training of the previous days was being yelled at me in my head, but no matter how much I tried to stop, I lost complete control.

As I tumbled, I managed to land on my stomach. But as I had gained so much momentum, there was no stopping. Once on my stomach, I continued to slide, face first, the rest of the way down the ski slope. My skis were aloft above my head, my hands out in front of me as a barrier, my poles attached to my arms bobbing alongside my body. I slowed and came to a stop at the bottom of the hill, and found myself the recipient of many claps as people had watched my entire descent and found it hilarious. I looked like a parachuter, but on snow!


6 - 'Snap, Snap, Clunk'

While enjoying a long holiday for our Honeymoon, Michael and I were spending New Year's Eve in Switzerland. We had just travelled back up Mt Rigi  via cog rail. A large group from our tour bus were with us and we all started to make our way towards our hotel. Traipsing through thick snow, of course it was not long until a snowball was thrown.

Within moments, everyone had a snowball in hand and the fight had begun. Yours truly however, had the camera. Now this camera was Michael's pride a joy, a large SLR which went everywhere with us. Looped around my neck, I decided not to involve myself in the fight but rather stand back and take photos. But this fight got more than a bit interesting, and soon, I was dodging snowballs along with everyone else while trying to take the photos.

As I turned to run from one particularly large ball coming my way, I slipped and my left knee hit the deck. Now a sign sitting in the snow (that no one had particularly paid much attention to) stated "Achtung, Eis". Now, even if you didn't speak or read German, you could probably guess what that was all about. as my left knee hit the solid icy floor underneath the snow, I knew what the sign meant!



However, this was not the worst of it. As I landed, there was snow aplenty around to help somewhat break the fall. And break the fall it did - of the camera lens. I successfully got snow inside the lens of the camera and thus, unhappy husband. Whoops! Not sure what was worse, the pain in my knee, or the look of sadness on Michael's face!



5 - The 'How do I stop these things....' incident

As mentioned earlier, New Zealand held a special place in my heart for moments of clutz. When first learning how to operate skis, I spent two days with an instructor. They taught me how to get started, how to move, how to turn..... but I just couldn't quite master the art of stopping!

I tried to prove that I was capable of stopping, but more than once, I came to rely on my other learnt skills to stop - I knew how to turn and how to aim my skis in a direction... so if I wanted to stop, I would just aim my skis at Michael. By default, if I knocked into him, I stopped! If I knocked him over in the process, I felt bad, but at least I stopped!

Now, this worked in theory a few times. Until.... I steered towards Michael who was standing in the queue for the tow line. I proceeded to crash into him, and about 10 other people including some kids. It can best be described as ten pin bowling!

4 - The 'Loo with a View' incident

Now, when I graduated from High School, my mum and aunt were kind enough to take me to Melbourne for a shopping holiday instead of schoolies - trust me, it was awesome and a much better option that the gold coast! I happily went and we did everything from sight seeing, to high tea, to hitting the shops and markets.

One particular sight we had been told was a MUST SEE was the view from the 42nd floor of the Sofitel Hotel. We found the hotel, and made our way up to the 42nd floor. Stepping out of the lift, we could see out of some windows, and we understood somewhat why people suggested it. But it wasn't that amazing....

A hotel member came over and said "You need to see it from the bathroom" and gestured to a door. We all headed inside and of course, the entire wall in the ladies was glass, providing a spectacular view of the city of Melbourne. As we admired the view from the ladies loo, my mother decided to make use of the facilities while we were there.

I was happily drinking in the view, leaning against the cubicle. As my mother entered the loo and closed the door, she did so on my fingers. Yes, four fingers ALL jammed in the bathroom door. That brought a swift end to our viewing as we set off in search of ice to relieve the pain in my now throbbing hand.


3 - The 'Snowboard Smack' accident

So, once again in New Zealand, I had decided skis weren't for me. Clearly I needed to be on a snow board instead. After nearly a day of trying to use a snowboard (and after a day of Michael pushing me up the hill because I couldn't be bothered to release the foot bindings each time...) I was starting to slowly figure it all out.

I thought I finally had it, and was turning the board successfully - until I lost control and stacked it, face first into the snow, legs in the air. Michael came running to see if I was ok. He undid the binding on one foot and made a comment that I just needed to try again.

Well, I saw red, I was frustrated and tired, and I had had enough! I didn't want to try again! In my frustration, I struggled to get up, and while still on my stomach, I tried to move my legs. This resulted in my snowboard (still hanging from one foot) swinging around and hitting me fair and square across the back of my skull. It was the nastiest 'crack' sound and I naturally just lay in the snow, face down, and cried.

I must admit that while almost all of my bumbles are funny, at the time I found this one hard to laugh at. Now however, I look back and find it amazing that I even managed to get my snowboard to make contact with my head - I'm not THAT flexible!



2 - The 'Monkeys won't Move' incident

The monkeys that wouldn't move!

My top two accidents both come courtesy of Japan. While staying in Kyoto, Michael and I took a day trip to Arashiyama which included our one opportunity to visit the Japanese monkeys. We were both really looking forward to this experience and as we made our long journey up the mountain (on foot) we started to see the odd occasional monkey just sitting on a rock or climbing a tree. The further up we travelled, the more monkeys we saw.

Everywhere on the pathway up, there were signs illustrating how to behave around the monkeys. Most of them related to looking at the monkeys, and how you should not make eye contact. The other signs told you to just walk past the monkeys at any time, they wouldn't mind.

We came to a switchback on the pathway up shortly before the top. As we got there, we came across two monkeys grooming one another. They were completely blocking the path, with no room on the step to get past. Michael and I completely ignored the sign behind them telling us to walk past, and instead, Michael took a shortcut, taking a large step up to the next level.

Being the gentleman that he is, he reached his hand down to assist me up the same step. Now, we're talking a good 60/70cm hight difference. I have tiny legs... I needed all the help I could get. As I gripped Michael's arm, I went to put my foot up on the next level. The foot still on the ground slipped in mud, my other foot gave way, and, while still holding Michael's hand, my whole body fell forward, my face smacking into the ground, my hip bone smashing into the wooden log I was about to step up to.

Luckily, I was wearing a thick coat, as I also fell directly on top of a pointy metal stake. But the worst bit of all.... the monkeys couldn't give a damn that all of that had just happened. They just continued to sit and groom. That was so embarrassing!


1 - The 'Small Japanese Doorway' incident

The best/worst moment happened while we were still staying in Kyoto, Japan. We were happily staying in a quaint little Ryokan (traditional Japanese hotel) which included tatami mat floors. These floors you are not allowed to walk on with shoes. So the doorway to each room is designated for the removal and putting on of shoes.

Being winter when we visited, we were wearing boots everywhere. As we were ready to head out for the day one morning, Michael and I both stopped in the doorway to put our shoes on. Perhaps doing this at the same time was not ideal, but we did it anyway. As I leaned down to zip up a boot, I lost my balance. I swung my left hand out to catch the wall and steady myself.

Unfortunately, as I did, Michael bent down to tie up his own shoe. Instead of finding the wall with my hand, I found Michael's face. More importantly, my diamond ring found his eye socket. My poor darling husband suffered once more as a result of my mishaps. He was luck to escape with very little bruising on his eye, but he has never let me forget this incident.



Like I said, alot of accidents happen on holidays, and more often than not, they involve my husband. But all in all, we all look back and laugh at the silly things I did!